Top Priority: Oscars (Dress Success)

Now, because I've been pretty negative all day, let's talk about the good stuff.  The lovely dresses that made me smile and moved me to tears.


Jennifer Lawrence in Dior
Yeah, you look good.  Yeah, you're wearing the same dress you wear all the time.  Yeah, I'm over it.  Next.

Sandra Bullock in Alexander McQueen
Yep.  I love this.  She's so beautiful and this year she's kind of bummed me out with some of her choices but this is golden. 

Meryl Streep in Lanvin
You are a goddess.  Totally age appropriate but not boring.  Very chic as always.

Jennifer Garner in Oscar de la Renta
I don't care for her but she looks great.  The dress is kind of boring but I like it.  Very 1920s.

Julie Delpy by Jenny Packham
I just like her, you know? She just seems like a lovely person.  So I may not be evaluating this dress objectively but I like it.

Idina Menzel by Vera Wang
I love this.  It's simple yet elegant.  I like the color and the jewelry.  I know a lot of people are wearing basically this exact dress but there's something about this that's very understated and chic.  Love it.

Jessica Biel by Chanel
Another Oscars surprise was Jessica Biel's dress.  It's been so long since Jessica Biel has done anything that I'm pretty sure her first and last acting job was 7th Heaven, but she now works as Justin Timberlake's beard (which is probably a pretty good gig.)  But last night she surprised me and looked stunning.  It was probably the Chanel that did it.

Kristen Bell by Roberto Cavalli
Kristen Bell is so overrated in my book that it's almost too much for me to handle.  But this dress looks incredible.  Despite the fact that it looks like she's about to get married, she absolutely brought her A game.  Good job, Kristen Bell!

Penelope Cruz by Giambattista Valli Couture
Flawless.  Simple, chic, feminine, gorgeous.

And now, without further adieu, my top three favorite dresses from last night...

3. Kate Hudson in Versace
I never thought I would say this but Kate Hudson looks incredible.  As someone I not only find overrated and annoying but completely talentless, I want to hate her.  But she killed it.  Good job, Kate.

Charlize Theron in Dior
Not only is this one of the most gorgeous dresses at the Oscars, it's probably the sexiest.  And she's so talented.  And beautiful.  A+

Lupita Nyong'o in PradaIt wasn't long ago that no one had an idea who Lupita was.  Now no one will ever forget her.  Not only did she come out of nowhere and blow everyone away with her acting, she has mastered Red Carpet style in one season.  This is one of my favorite dresses of all time.  She looks absolutely gorgeous. 

Top Priority: Golden Globes (Fashion Fails)

I don't really know how I want to do this so I'll just Joan Rivers myself and pick a bunch I hate and a bunch I like and a bunch I don't care about and you can agree with me.  And we'll do it in three segments so I don't get bored.

Let's start with the ugly.


 
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung
This honestly looks like a child and a hot glue gun had fun together one afternoon.

Sandra Bullock in Prabal Gurung
Sandy, you are so beautiful why are you doing this to yourself? I hate pretty much everything about this dress.

 

 



Julie Bowen in Carolina Herrera
I don't like Julie Bowen and this isn't helping her case.  For whatever reason, red is all the rage right now but you can't much different shades of "red" together, use a velour belt and ruffled shoulders and pull this outfit together.  Sorry.

 

 

 

Greta Gerwig in Donna Karan Atelier
This is awful because I do think she is the cutest human alive and she could have done something so beautiful but the shape and the texture of this dress is just ruining my day.

 

 

 

Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

This looks like a bunch of pink flamingos got drunk and jumped onto Liz Lemon's dress.

 

 

 

 

Drew Barrymore in Monique Lhullier

I know it's hard to dress well when you're pregnant and you basically have to look like a giant blob and it could have been a lot worse, but come on.  Give up on life after you have the baby.

 

 

 

 

Heidi Klum in Marchesa

Unless she's planning on being a bride in some weird gothic wedding she needs to lose the dress and the 1998 choker.  And put your hair up Heidi, it's the red carpet. 

 







Rashida Jones in Fausto Puglisi
This, on the other hand, looks like a wedding dress for one of those women who's like "I don't care about having a big wedding, let's just go to the beach and get married."  But you're not at the beach, are you Rashida? You're at the Golden Globes.

Kristin Chenoweth in Dana Brunetti
WUT.

Kaley Cuoco in Rani Zakhem Couture
This is a very lovely watercolor painting.  But it's not a dress.  And we can see your boobs.  And maybe invest in someone for hair/makeup because it looks like you straightened it in 20 minutes and threw on some green eyeshadow.

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar De La Renta
Very nice Mother-of-the-Bride dress.  But you're like 27 and you're not Jackie O.

Caitlin Fitzgerald in Emilia Wickstead
Sleeping Beauty called.  She wants her dress back.

Edie Falco in Lanvin
This looks like the world's worst Christmas wrapping.

Hayden Panettiere in Tom Ford
Hmmm. Clutch: Nope. Dress: Nope. Hair: Definitely not.  Also if you're not fat, which you're not, don't wear dresses that make you look like you have the arms of a sedentary 70 year old.
P.S. I love you Tom Ford.

Aubrey Plaza in Oscar De La Renta
You're breaking my heart, Aubrey.  But this isn't a child's princess-themed birthday party.  Put on some real clothes.

Kate Beckinsale in Zuhair Murad
Auditioning for A Knight's Tale 2: Kate Beckinsale.

You guys are killing me.  Come on.