The Top Button, written by Colin Noble

Hello, token gays.
There’s a moment everyday when a man (or woman, if you’re Diane
Keaton) must decide whether or not to button the top button of his collared shirt. It’s a
small detail, but it makes a big difference. Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer here.
The buttoning or not buttoning depends on the occasion you are dressing for. Let’s
break it down.

Paul Newman: The Exception to Every Rule

Saturday Night:

If you go hard, as I’m sure you sluts do, the button will come undone at some point
anyway. Prepare for the inevitable and leave it unbuttoned. Drinking takes precedence
over fashion.


Sunday Brunch:

It is a scientific fact that this is the greatest meal of the week. But it is also an
opportunity to show your awesomeness by recovering from your coke bender(cross out
this) saturday night and showing up looking classy as shit. Button it up.


Dinner Date:

The best dates happen when you are relaxed and open. Your outfit should reflect this.
Leave it unbuttoned.


Class:

Some people don’t believe in looking good for class, and they are horrible. You must
dress well to facilitate maximum learning and also because you are bound to see a few
hot guys. So burn your tank tops and button your oxford all the way up.


Country Club Lunches:

You are over this because it usually involves some amount of family. Your outfit should
reflect that you would rather be anywhere else, but you will take the free meal. Unbutton it and slouch away.


Tandem Bike Rides:

This is an adorable activity couples often engage in, while the singletons look on with
jealousy. Embrace the envy around you, and increase your adorableness by buttoning
the top button on your denim shirt.


Fire Island Pool Party:

You’re a huge homo. Take off your shirt.


Obviously some people vary from the standard buttoned up and one button undone. But they are likely from New Jersey. And I choose to ignore them.

Cheers Queers.