Top Priority: Golden Globes (Fashion Fails)

I don't really know how I want to do this so I'll just Joan Rivers myself and pick a bunch I hate and a bunch I like and a bunch I don't care about and you can agree with me.  And we'll do it in three segments so I don't get bored.

Let's start with the ugly.


 
Zoe Saldana in Prabal Gurung
This honestly looks like a child and a hot glue gun had fun together one afternoon.

Sandra Bullock in Prabal Gurung
Sandy, you are so beautiful why are you doing this to yourself? I hate pretty much everything about this dress.

 

 



Julie Bowen in Carolina Herrera
I don't like Julie Bowen and this isn't helping her case.  For whatever reason, red is all the rage right now but you can't much different shades of "red" together, use a velour belt and ruffled shoulders and pull this outfit together.  Sorry.

 

 

 

Greta Gerwig in Donna Karan Atelier
This is awful because I do think she is the cutest human alive and she could have done something so beautiful but the shape and the texture of this dress is just ruining my day.

 

 

 

Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

This looks like a bunch of pink flamingos got drunk and jumped onto Liz Lemon's dress.

 

 

 

 

Drew Barrymore in Monique Lhullier

I know it's hard to dress well when you're pregnant and you basically have to look like a giant blob and it could have been a lot worse, but come on.  Give up on life after you have the baby.

 

 

 

 

Heidi Klum in Marchesa

Unless she's planning on being a bride in some weird gothic wedding she needs to lose the dress and the 1998 choker.  And put your hair up Heidi, it's the red carpet. 

 







Rashida Jones in Fausto Puglisi
This, on the other hand, looks like a wedding dress for one of those women who's like "I don't care about having a big wedding, let's just go to the beach and get married."  But you're not at the beach, are you Rashida? You're at the Golden Globes.

Kristin Chenoweth in Dana Brunetti
WUT.

Kaley Cuoco in Rani Zakhem Couture
This is a very lovely watercolor painting.  But it's not a dress.  And we can see your boobs.  And maybe invest in someone for hair/makeup because it looks like you straightened it in 20 minutes and threw on some green eyeshadow.

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar De La Renta
Very nice Mother-of-the-Bride dress.  But you're like 27 and you're not Jackie O.

Caitlin Fitzgerald in Emilia Wickstead
Sleeping Beauty called.  She wants her dress back.

Edie Falco in Lanvin
This looks like the world's worst Christmas wrapping.

Hayden Panettiere in Tom Ford
Hmmm. Clutch: Nope. Dress: Nope. Hair: Definitely not.  Also if you're not fat, which you're not, don't wear dresses that make you look like you have the arms of a sedentary 70 year old.
P.S. I love you Tom Ford.

Aubrey Plaza in Oscar De La Renta
You're breaking my heart, Aubrey.  But this isn't a child's princess-themed birthday party.  Put on some real clothes.

Kate Beckinsale in Zuhair Murad
Auditioning for A Knight's Tale 2: Kate Beckinsale.

You guys are killing me.  Come on.

 

What's New: Tina & Amy Rule the World, Gwyneth is Cranky From Not Eating, etc.

Liz Lemon and Leslie Knope: 
I am completely in love with both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I am not a huge SNL fan.  I know that's super unpopular to say, but I just can't.  I'm sorry.  I've tried.  But I do love 30 Rock more than anything on Earth and Parks & Rec is a close second.
Anywayyyy great news!  Tina and Amy have officially signed on to host not only the 2014 Golden Globes, but 2015's as well.  This is AMAZING.

Gwyneth: 

Gwyneth is crazy.  I love her and I think she's amazing but she's bonkers.  Anyway, a little while ago, Vanity Fair was writing an article about her and she didn't like it and got pissed and e-mailed all of her famous friends telling them to not talk about her to reporters and never do VF again.  Lovely.  Well NOW, VF Editor-in-Chief is FOR SURE running a "take down piece", exposing the real Gwyneth.  After she threw a fit he was even more set on running it which is funny.  I personally cannot wait.  Good luck, Goop Queen!

Leo Has A New GF?: 

Last time I checked he was dating Toni Garnn when the two were spotted together at the US Open in September but I guess not.  Now Leonardo DiCaprio is supposedly dating 24-year old nobody model Kat Torres.  Well, according to her.  She says they met when they stayed at the same house at the Cannes film festival.  She told a Brazilian reporter they have a 'secrecy pact' and she can't talk about their relationship.  Not a great sign for her.  Leo's people are saying that it's all made up and they're not dating.  Awesome.  

Leo, crawl on your hands and knees to Bar and do everything you can to win her back.

Are you kidding me?