OH one more thing: I won't be discussing things I don't care about like best song or whatever.
The Real Winners: Tina and Amy. Obviously. If you don't like them you know nothing about comedy and you're a sexist. You're not a sexist, are you? Good.
Best Motion Picture- Drama: Twelve Years a Slave
Okay I suppose I can get behind this. I truthfully didn't see the movie but I feel confident that something with Michael Fassbender beat something with a Hemsworth.
Best Actor- Drama: Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club
I would like to take a minute to talk about Matthew. Good for you, man. You were once a complete joke in awful RomComs like How to Lose A Guy, Failure to Launch, The Wedding Planner, et al. And now you're doing movies like Mud and Dallas Buyers Club (and Magic Mike apparently?). You've really turned it around, bro. I tip my hat to you, Matt. Congrats
Best Actress- Drama: Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine
A couple things about this. One, this is probably the win I'm most happy about. Cate Blanchett is, has always been, and will always be, a phenomenal actress and I love her. Two, this movie is awesome and didn't get enough credit but her performance in it was just beautiful. So I'm glad for her. Good job Cate! I love you! Call me!
Best Motion Picture- Comedy or Musical: American Hustle
No. I don't know how Inside Llewyn Davis is a comedy because it's terribly sad and funny for like 3 minutes total but it was amazing and it should have won. Plus I'm really sick of Amy Adams and I hope she just goes away. Soon.
Best Actor- Comedy or Musical: Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street
Eh. I didn't see this movie because I don't have a huge interest in naked women or drugs but I did read the book so I'm pretty cultured. I think Leo is a little overrated but apparently he was amazing in Wolf so good for him. Still probably would have gone with Oscar Isaac though.
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| No, Leo, cheers to you. |
Best TV series- Comedy or Musical: Brooklyn Nine Nine
You're joking right? Modern Family is also overrated. But Parks and Rec? Girls? And where was Mindy? This is a disaster
Best Director: Alfonso Cuaran's "Gravity"
Didn't see it because it looked dumb and I'm not sure how the movie was like two hours because I think I saw the whole thing in the 2 minute trailer but whatever. Mazel, Alfonso!
Best TV Actress- Comedy or Musical: Amy Poehler in Parks and Rec
WORD. Actually I think Parks has gone wayyyyy downhill but she never wins anything and she's adorable and smart and funny and I think she deserves a Golden Globe. Especially if that means beating Zooey Deschanel, who I used to love but now hate due to overexposure and a wakeup call. Also I am sorry that Lena didn't win but Girls has already been renewed for a fourth season so I'm not worried about her. Good job Amy, I'm so proud of you!
Miniseries Nonsense: Who cares about Behind the Candelabra? I don't. Sorry Matt, I still love you.
Foreign Movies: Ditto. I love foreign movies but I haven't seen any of these so no comment.
Best TV Actor- Comedy or Musical: Andy Samberg in B99
No. Jim Parsons, sure. Jason Bateman, okay. Don Cheadle, even though I hate your show I think you're a lot better than Andy Samberg.
Best Screenplay: Spike Jonze in Her
Good job Spike. Also I don't know who any of those other people are except Steve Coogan, whom I adore. P.S. you are really hot.
Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club
I've had a soft spot for this little weirdo since Requiem for a Dream so good for him. He was really good in DBC and he is surprisingly talented. Sorry, Fassbender, I was rooting for you too.
Best TV Actress- Drama: Robin Wright in House of Cards
This is another super win for me personally because the only thing I love more than this show is her in it. She plays the quiet but powerful, sexy, elusive, badass that is married to Kevin Spacey. Also she's like 50something and absolutely gorgeous. Oh, and I'm sick of Kerry Washington, so everyone calm down.
Best Actress- Comedy or Musical: Amy Adams
LOLOL. No, I don't think so. Meryl in August was incredible, Greta Gerwig is the cutest person I've ever seen, Julie Delpy is supposed to be like the best ever, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus was amazing. This is a travesty.
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| Nice headband |
Best TV Series: Breaking Bad
Whatever. Breaking Bad is good albeit totally overrated. Also shoutout to Aaron Paul for winning too; he is the saving grace of this show. Next year it'll be you, House of Cards!
Best Actor in a TV Series: Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad
Snore. Kevin Spacey is robbed again! Also I would like to mention I'm not some psycho Kevin Spacey fan. I don't even really like him with the exception of American Beauty. Obviously. But this show is amazing and he's incredible in it.
Best Actress in a Miniseries: Elizabeth Moss in Top of the Lake
I actually didn't like Elizabeth Moss in Mad Men (although she was in Girl, Interrupted which was bananas) probably because, like Breaking Bad, I feel that Mad Men is overrated. Anyway I was reticent about this Top of The Lake business when my BFF told me about it, but I gave it a shot. And let me just say IT. IS. AMAZING. If you've not seen it, it's on Netflix and ready to be viewed. Good job, Lizzie!
Footnote: Jessa Lange is my favorite living human so this was hard for me but Coven sucks so it wasn't that hard after all.
Best Miniseries: Behind the Candelabra
This is lame. See above for real winner.
Best Actress-TV/Miniseries/whatever: Jacqueline Bisset in Dancing on the Edge
I have no idea who this woman is but she beat Hayden Panettiere which is awesome and Sofia Vergara which is more awesome. Congrats Jackie B!
Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Lawrence
This is killing me. I really like JLaw. I do. But she's not this good. She's just not. She shouldn't have won an Oscar for SLP and she shouldn't win a Golden Globe for a mediocre movie she's in for like 10 minutes. Especially after seeing Julia Roberts in August: Osage County, I cannot condone this.
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